Blessings: 3rd day

Its only the 3rd day of Reintegrating myself into the practice of Vipassana, and i have found myself writing a forgiveness letter.

i was going to give this to the intended parties but i don't feel the urge to. i just felt the need to write it. its a bit incomplete and i still have to reflect on it but
here it is:

Hello there

It’s been a lovely month and a half no? LOL J

Thank you for respecting my wishes to be solitary during his time.

Please if you can, I want you to just try and listen without forming a reaction to this immediately.

I’m not sure if you know it for sure now, but in the three years we have spoken I have known you to be kind, loving, supportive, compassionate, good human being; THAT is the true manifestation of who you are. You can truly be a safe space for people you love even if you haven’t experienced it on a regular basis from those who have said they love you.

Your value doesn’t just lie in what you can do in the world but it is inherent to the soul that already resides within you, it is intrinsic to who you really are.  l feel you just need to recognize yourself with compassionate eyes. Please continue to grow as a person as best as you can.

We aren’t to blame for what has happened to us when we were victimized, but we are wholly responsible for the choices we make afterwards. We are in control of how we process and frame our past and how we treat ourselves and others as a result of that perception, always.

We are all human, none of us are without blind spots. There are insecurities in all of us that affect our relationships, as we have seen in glorious form from myself, LOL, but really thank you for the time given that I have used to work on my thoughts and be as level headed as possible.

That said, I forgive myself for anyway in which we have hurt each other in our time together. I am also sorry for the ways which I may have hurt you through the blatant ignoring of your existence. I apologize for the pain it may have brought up and the pain it may have caused you.

I wish you acceptance and self-forgiveness of all parts of yourself in your journey of learning more deeply the art of self-love, and consequentially self-soothing. Thank you for the lessons you have taught me through our shared experience, which were acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-love and many many others. 

I hope this is enough

Sincerest A.B.

I am so Sad so Very Very Sad

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD!
Thank you....
But For Reals Im actually more than a bit under the weather, im trying to grow. and i miss people that supported my addictions and bad behaviors.

Im not sure if being addicted to a person is possible but i guess it is...

Yesterday i was just really wishing that I didnt have the complications of a sex drive.. i tend to get distracted by it. i find that i look for validation in a partner and when rejected i get upset.

i dont want that dependance anymore, but havi ng that dependance is really emotional bonding i guess... Actually caring what the other person thinks and feels.

Why doesnt life come with a guide book....it would be reallly nice if it did.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-YQmuUVpzY
             Go Here ^^ 

Sucky but trying

So here we go, you we're best friend. Me cutting you out of my life hurts like a fucking bitch because I loved you, a lot .

I've been mourning our loss for a long time. I feel paranoid, like if can't trust all my roommates. Like they know something about you that I'm missing

I know mistakes are how we learn and I have to forgive myself for meeting you. 

I have been in this cycle where I wished we never met because you knew me. 

You knew me, you were my safe space and I trusted you and I thought you were on my side.

But I was just a game.

And I should've never trusted you.

I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to hurt myself by leaving.

 I wish I never met you, because then, unlike now, I wouldn't even know how blessed I would be with the fact that I would never miss what I never had.

I better not ever get divorced...

I'm alone

Yes I'm alone right now but I am connected in perfect rendezvous with good people.

I just had a rendezvous with Rebecca r from my chem course :) she is a sweet girl, she bought me lunch. !!! :) and I met her friend will, a huskie hunk lol. He's a sweet guy.

I had a great time just being with them. I mean me just being. It was nice 

I also just ran into Jeremy he's also sweet.

I have been questioning my choice of not talking to chris. Granted I made the best decision I could with the information given. 

I am worried for him, but 

Thank You for getting up Today

Hey Me,
        I just wanna say thank you for getting up today.
 I met Desamara while at work and we had a lovely time, we just talked. i got alot off my chest talking to n actual person and we laughed and connected. It was great !

Looking Forward to Laughing later :) bai <3

Can't sleep

So I'm not sleeping

Racing thoughts

Frequency is changing

Vibration 

Truth will come out

Freedom and peace

Freedom and peace 

Good vibes Good times

Hey there:) so I've found myself in the music and theatre building!! Good vibes good times :) I met Minnesota max , Austin who isn't from Texas and a teaching musician named Kelley !! We were jokes terms and pranksters together it was great!! 

The energy of the building feels so fresh and alive and bright and full of possibility!!! I love getting reacquainted with the energy accompanied by people creating music and theatre!! I can feel the lighthearted sense of play !! It makes me want to act, as a fun career for a while haha! 

Maybe even give it a go this summer before I graduate read a couple of scripts !!

I feel the freshness of possibility and it feels do good to cultivate myself in this space :)