Blessings: 3rd day

Its only the 3rd day of Reintegrating myself into the practice of Vipassana, and i have found myself writing a forgiveness letter.

i was going to give this to the intended parties but i don't feel the urge to. i just felt the need to write it. its a bit incomplete and i still have to reflect on it but
here it is:

Hello there

It’s been a lovely month and a half no? LOL J

Thank you for respecting my wishes to be solitary during his time.

Please if you can, I want you to just try and listen without forming a reaction to this immediately.

I’m not sure if you know it for sure now, but in the three years we have spoken I have known you to be kind, loving, supportive, compassionate, good human being; THAT is the true manifestation of who you are. You can truly be a safe space for people you love even if you haven’t experienced it on a regular basis from those who have said they love you.

Your value doesn’t just lie in what you can do in the world but it is inherent to the soul that already resides within you, it is intrinsic to who you really are.  l feel you just need to recognize yourself with compassionate eyes. Please continue to grow as a person as best as you can.

We aren’t to blame for what has happened to us when we were victimized, but we are wholly responsible for the choices we make afterwards. We are in control of how we process and frame our past and how we treat ourselves and others as a result of that perception, always.

We are all human, none of us are without blind spots. There are insecurities in all of us that affect our relationships, as we have seen in glorious form from myself, LOL, but really thank you for the time given that I have used to work on my thoughts and be as level headed as possible.

That said, I forgive myself for anyway in which we have hurt each other in our time together. I am also sorry for the ways which I may have hurt you through the blatant ignoring of your existence. I apologize for the pain it may have brought up and the pain it may have caused you.

I wish you acceptance and self-forgiveness of all parts of yourself in your journey of learning more deeply the art of self-love, and consequentially self-soothing. Thank you for the lessons you have taught me through our shared experience, which were acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-love and many many others. 

I hope this is enough

Sincerest A.B.

I am so Sad so Very Very Sad

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD!
Thank you....
But For Reals Im actually more than a bit under the weather, im trying to grow. and i miss people that supported my addictions and bad behaviors.

Im not sure if being addicted to a person is possible but i guess it is...

Yesterday i was just really wishing that I didnt have the complications of a sex drive.. i tend to get distracted by it. i find that i look for validation in a partner and when rejected i get upset.

i dont want that dependance anymore, but havi ng that dependance is really emotional bonding i guess... Actually caring what the other person thinks and feels.

Why doesnt life come with a guide book....it would be reallly nice if it did.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-YQmuUVpzY
             Go Here ^^ 

Sucky but trying

So here we go, you we're best friend. Me cutting you out of my life hurts like a fucking bitch because I loved you, a lot .

I've been mourning our loss for a long time. I feel paranoid, like if can't trust all my roommates. Like they know something about you that I'm missing

I know mistakes are how we learn and I have to forgive myself for meeting you. 

I have been in this cycle where I wished we never met because you knew me. 

You knew me, you were my safe space and I trusted you and I thought you were on my side.

But I was just a game.

And I should've never trusted you.

I wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to hurt myself by leaving.

 I wish I never met you, because then, unlike now, I wouldn't even know how blessed I would be with the fact that I would never miss what I never had.

I better not ever get divorced...

I'm alone

Yes I'm alone right now but I am connected in perfect rendezvous with good people.

I just had a rendezvous with Rebecca r from my chem course :) she is a sweet girl, she bought me lunch. !!! :) and I met her friend will, a huskie hunk lol. He's a sweet guy.

I had a great time just being with them. I mean me just being. It was nice 

I also just ran into Jeremy he's also sweet.

I have been questioning my choice of not talking to chris. Granted I made the best decision I could with the information given. 

I am worried for him, but 

Thank You for getting up Today

Hey Me,
        I just wanna say thank you for getting up today.
 I met Desamara while at work and we had a lovely time, we just talked. i got alot off my chest talking to n actual person and we laughed and connected. It was great !

Looking Forward to Laughing later :) bai <3

Can't sleep

So I'm not sleeping

Racing thoughts

Frequency is changing

Vibration 

Truth will come out

Freedom and peace

Freedom and peace 

Good vibes Good times

Hey there:) so I've found myself in the music and theatre building!! Good vibes good times :) I met Minnesota max , Austin who isn't from Texas and a teaching musician named Kelley !! We were jokes terms and pranksters together it was great!! 

The energy of the building feels so fresh and alive and bright and full of possibility!!! I love getting reacquainted with the energy accompanied by people creating music and theatre!! I can feel the lighthearted sense of play !! It makes me want to act, as a fun career for a while haha! 

Maybe even give it a go this summer before I graduate read a couple of scripts !!

I feel the freshness of possibility and it feels do good to cultivate myself in this space :) 

Aham Prema (108 times a Day for 40 days)

So hello lovelies :3

Aham Prema means I AM Divine Love. It allows love of the highest order to flow through you and become you! 

Most people use it to manifest soul mate relationships and I'm not gonna say that that isn't my intention but I just wanted to say ...

it would be really cool to love myself, All of myself. So much that 

Rejection doesn't matter ,

Past hurts don't have such a hold over me,

Self worth is based on some inner knowing intrinsic to what I am and how I express myself

   Not on whether this guy thinks I'm   

         attractive or if my family member       

              finds worthiness in how I share my vulnerability with her.. Or even if my 

favorite professor cannot understand

and 

support

I me while I fail my courses

although I am completely capable but 

going through a TOUGH TIME.

       I AM Divine Love. Yes it would be Very nice to hang the standard of my self worth upon how well I loved myself that day, Which subsequently includes self care in all forms; from eating healthy or Not. To not doing laundry and sleeping all day or neither ..

Self worth based on self love, Aham Prema. I AM Divine Love!! 

Surprised!!

So needless to say, I've been going through a tough transition(pretty dark time) and it's was about rough. 

Because of what I experience I started doubting people who surrounded me, questioning friendships, pushing people out if my life .

And today I was pleasantly surprised a classmate of mine came in to visit me at work, just to check up on me. I am genuinely thankfull and really surprised. 

Most people in the dept have been very self focused, in survival mode.

I was under the belief that he didn't care about me at all, I was under the impression that most people only cared what I gave them( which still may be true) 

But the important thing is that a friend decided to give back, and I am thankful.

I'm not sure where my emotional rolercoaster may head but I'm thankfull for this pleasant turn of events .

Just sayin

Jus sayin, lol don't want to burn folks on my social media so I'll just leave this one right here lol.

Today is A Day Like Any Other

So ! I'm definitely a lot happier right now, i feel ease, i feel flow i feel joy!

The Sun is shining and it is spring time, I'm puttin in work and commuting O.o although commuting is a bit of a drag

I'm like more focused :), but I'm also not my best version of myself (meh)

Buuut I'm gettin mine!! so i may seriously consider commuting <3 but anyways :) today is a Day Like any other :) Full of Possibility for joyful rendezvous

Blogger posts

So this is the second time I've trued posting from my iPod and it just hasn't posted successfully, I'm still figuring out the mechanics but really I just wanted to rant about it.

In Other news , I'm hungry and want to get something to eat, do I may take a break and go get some food from Thai pavillion or something idk . And I also have to finish my English paper (blaaah) and my other assignments (blaaaah) and prep for my exams (even more Blaaaah ) 

Ok that's about it bai

St patties

Happy St. Patricks Dayyy fellow readers!! 

So like here's da deal :D , it's St. Pats I got the green on the Irish in me blood and the goodness all about me. I'm manifesting ease, I'm manifesting wagoodness in my classes and I'm gonna go eat some good eats in a bit ! Now I just need/ want/ desire to keep my focus on me and maintaining healthy focus on what I want

To human or not to human, thats not really a question is it.

So heres the dealio light waves says hello and Ello Everyone haha :) !, My name is Ally or Light Waves or Um not really sure right now but somethings gotta stick right? LOL, we can decide that later but just wanted to say hello and to human or not to human that is a question. Isn't it ?!? But most importantly now that we are playing human what do you think. is it fun,orrr exciting ,or is it an adventure ? what are the merits[ I mean I like having fingers and toes and talking and family units they're pretty cool!! :) ], ect ect ect . 

I'm just kinda rambling but this lets you know my mental pace (sometimes) and its a better introduction than just..."hellooooooo....oooo...oooo" lol.

Hope this made me some companions and hope it might of scarred a couple of would be's off, lol jk. but seriously (not really) , but formally :) It really is one of my dearest pleasures to have an opportunity to meet you all. we [ as in collective "we" (multiple and parallel existences, the  we is simply an acknowledgement of other me's) ] hope this joining will be fun and informative and a boon for us all, (you're all included in this booan too!) ! okay ttyl fellow star travelers <3 lighters